The Diary of a Black Cat
by Bluebellis
Summary: This is Yoruichi, and I command you to read my diary, or else you’re not allowed to live anymore. I’ll feed you to Omaeda. He eats children.


**Story-** Diary of a Black Cat

**Summary-** This is Yoruichi, and I command you to read my diary, or else you're not allowed to live anymore. I'll feed you to Omaeda. He eats children.

**Disclaimer-** I do not own Bleach, obviously.

-----------------

**Entry 1-**

Dearest little diary,

So, I saw Urahara writing in something like this the other day, and when I asked him what it was, he said it was _secret._ Secret from me? Get real! That isn't okay with me. I thought I'd get one and find out why he was laughing the whole time while he was writing in it. Then, when he goes to sleep, I'm stealing his and reading it.

Ok, so I don't feel like talking about my feelings in here, because that would be LAME-O, and feelings aren't how I roll. Instead, I think I'll talk about…people…yeah, that works. I can also draw stuff in here. () ()  
(^-^) Look, a bunny! 3 And a heart!

My diary will definitely be funner! Ha-ha! In you face Urahara!!!!

----------

**Entry 2-**

I decided that today, I would pull a couple of harmless pranks on some friends! Friends like Ichigo, Ishida, Old Man Yama, Urahara, and Soi Fon. This will be so much fun!

I will keep what I'm doing to Yama a secret, though. Sorry! By the way, Urahara (that jerk) saw me writing in my journal, and he was all 'What's that, kitty-cat?'. Then he laughed because he realized it rhymed, and kept saying it over and over. I said it was where I was documenting my will. I also told him that I had a handsome fortune tucked away, and I was assigning portions of it to dear friends.

All of a sudden, he stopped repeating his stupid line, and started asking what the definition of a dear friend was. I won't tell you what I told him, but I can say that I quite enjoy breakfast in bed and homemade lemonade waiting for me when I get back to the shop every day.

----------

**Entry 3-**

Dude, guess what? Prank Yama? Yeah, it's a success. How did I do it? Don't worry, I shall tell all.

So it started with me waiting until grandpa Yama was asleep (which didn't take long, he's out before he even hits the pillow of his cushy bed. When he started snoring like a lion, I shunpo'd all over his room and glued cotton balls everywhere. Yeah, it looked like a giant cloud. Then I took away all of the stuff in his room (just useless stuff like his meds and furniture). Then I dressed like Jesus (I make a very good Jesus) and waited for Yama to wake up (which takes _forever_, because he is a heavy sleeper).

Finally, he opened his big wrinkly face, and looked around, very confusedly. When he saw me, he sat up much quicker than I thought a grandpa like him could.

"Yamamoto," I said in a very Jesus-y manner. "I regret to inform you that your time among the living has come to an end."

"But…I didn't…I wasn't among the living. Everyone in Seretei is dead," he said.

I did not expect this. But luckily, I have very good improvisation skills, and told him that he was in Heaven number two. He bought it, another thing I did not expect. Suddenly, he smiled all calmly and seemed really relaxed.

"But, unfortunately, Heaven is not your destination, Yamamoto. You have committed many unforgivable crimes, so now you have to pay."

Suddenly, grandpa Yama moved very fast, and got on his knees, hands together prayer-like, and he started begging for me to not punish him. I couldn't help it, and I started cracking up- _really _bad. And my Jesus beard was not meant for smiling…definitely not meant for smiling. It slid right off my smooth, perfect face, and landed on the floor, right in front of Yama.

He looked up, and next thing I knew, I was shunpo-ing out of there as all my cotton balls turned to ashes and Yama said some very mean French. Yeah, grandpa's got a nasty tongue, you know.

He still hasn't found me, by the way. Urahara says that, if he finds me, Soul Society will be dining on fried kitty-cat. To that, I said that, if Yama finds me, he'll be finding me at _his _shop, and Yama's the type to take the whole shop with me.

Urahara then asked me if my will was done yet, and when I said no, he said he'd help me find a hiding spot.

Ok, let's look at the list now!

Yama, Ishida, Ichigo, Soi Fon, Urahara.

Oh, I just thought of an awesome, amazing, brilliant plan to use on nerdy, Quincy kid. But, I will not tell you, ha! Wait till I'm done!

----------------------------

Okay, mission Quincy, _done! _And quite amazingly so if I do say so myself! Yes, I am a genius. A genius with amazing prankery skills.

So I looked at Ichigo's homework for, like, an hour, so I could memorize his handwriting (very, very ugly handwriting). The I wrote a note in it, and it went like this;

_Dear Uryu,_

_You are very attractive, and kind, and caring. You're exactly what I'm looking for in a man. I've tried to mask my feelings for a long time now, but I can't hold back my overwhelming love any longer. I am completely in love with you, and want you to be with me forever and ever. And when you die, we will be Shinigami lovers. Your glasses compliment your stunning blue eyes, and your hair makes me go weak at the knees. It's very hard for me to express my feelings sometimes, so the way I treat you may seem harsh or unfriendly, but that's just because I'm rough on the surface, but loving and compassionate on the inside. I would like to date you sometime. Please come to my house tonight at six o'clock to either confirm or deny my request._

_Love, Ichigo 3_

And then he got all red, and looked very, very angry. Granted, I haven't seen much of the kid, but I do know he's got almost as much composure as Byakuya Kuchiki, and doesn't get angry easily. He crumpled the note up and shoved it in his pocket, which hurt my feelings pretty badly. I spent a _really_ long time trying to write that!

Anywho, I spied on him until six o'clock when, to my surprise, Ishida went to Ichigo's house, all angry looking. When Ichigo opened the door, Ishida shoved the note to him and said something like 'What on earth is this for, idiot?'. At least, I think that's what he said.

Then, they went inside so Ichigo could read the note, and I listened through the door (very patiently, I might add). Then the house exploded. I'm sure of it. Poor Ishida, he never had a chance at life.

Ichigo pretty much kicked the Quincy kid out the door, taking me (who was plastered to the front door, eavesdrop- no listening for educational purposes) with him. Thinking quickly, I turned over so Ishida would hit the pavement instead of me. Smart, I know. Then, I used my Goddess of Flash-ness to get out of there really quickly. It may have been just me, but I think I heard an arrow buzz past my head. Kid's got good aim.

Again, I am hiding. And apparently, Yama-jii was spotted in the human world, apparently looking for a black cat. I'm thinking about changing my name to Frederick and moving to Antarctica, but I don't think I will. Not until I finish my list.

Peace out, Yoruichi Shihoin (Quincy slayer!)

Yama, Ishida, Ichigo, Soi Fon, Urahara.

-------------------------

**Thank you for reading, and please review! Pranks are fun!**


End file.
